1. The Disciplinary Matter. A sergeant or PC comes to see you because they are not performing satisfactorily. Ask them what the hell they are playing at. They will tell you some sob story about problems at home. Key phrase to show you understand what the scenario is about: “You are a waste of space. Get back out there, get a grip and get on with some work before I resort to violence”.
2. The Colleague Asking Advice. This is probably a trap set by Professional Standards so tell them you are too busy to talk. If you’re really confident, pretend to be somebody else. Key phrase: “Sergeant Candidate? He retired last week. Sorry”.
3. The Politician. A local MP or Councillor will want to enlist your support for some vote-catching initiative. Tell them you’ve got better things to do with your staff. Key phrase: “While you’re here, I’d like to ask you about certain donations to your campaign at the last election”.
4. The Do-Gooder. Some community worthy will be demanding to know why you haven’t solved trivial issues in their neighbourhood. Threaten to arrest them for Wasting Police Time. Key phrase: ”I’ll just get one of my officers to check your car tax and tyres”.
5. The Victim of Crime. Somebody else that the local toerags have picked on. However, incisive questioning will usually reveal that it was their own fault. Tell them you’ll get a PC to look into it. Suggest they set up a Neighbourhood Watch Scheme. Key phrase: “If you find out who’s done it, call Crimestoppers. You might get a reward”.
6. The Senior Officer. A Superintendent will want to engage your enthusiasm in some hare-brained scheme they have just dreamt up. Just agree with whatever they tell you; they won’t check up on it and will soon find something else to occupy their time. Key phrase: “Good luck with the promotion board Sir / Ma’am”.
7. The End-of-Tenure PC. This officer has been kicked back out on the streets after years in some cushy number. They won’t be happy and it is up to you to instil some backbone into the slacker. Key phrase: “Don’t think that there’s bucket loads of overtime like in your last job. You’re back on the front line mate. Get used to it”.
As you can tell, Ospre scenarios reflect reality and the best way to deal with them is to tell it like it is, get them out of your office and use the spare time for a brew. Good luck!